Parents & Authenticity
There’s no greater challenge to my attempts at authenticity than a visit by my own parents. They came in last Thursday and are here until Friday. It’s been a great visit so far, and we’re having fun, but the more I learn about myself and about authenticity, the more I realize that my relationship with my parents is one of my biggest authenticity challenges.
Growing up, the thing I dreaded most was hearing “I’m disappointed in you” coming from my parents. I think it’s pretty common for children to feel about themselves the way they think their parents feel about them. Over time, children are supposed to differentiate themselves and eventually fully emerge a wholly separate individual who can see his or her parents as flawed, frail individuals who just did their level best. I wonder if I’ve never managed to fully separate in that way.
I don’t think that I’d hate myself if they disapproved of me, but during this visit, I find that I keep protecting my image around them. I don’t bring up things they’d disagree with. I find myself tempted to caretake them. I try to read their body language and judge when to switch topics. I suppose this is not very different from a lot of parent-child relationships, but I’m increasingly conscious of it.
Of course, I could choose to change that at any time, right? But that’s pretty darn scary, really. REALLY showing up only works well if that opening up is reciprocated. And given how often I see ‘em, is it really worth rocking the boat?
Part of this is, probably, that now I’m the father and they’re the grandparents. Drawing up boundaries with parents is hard for anyone, I’m sure.